Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

He’s dead

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys