Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Growing up was a huge mistake

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

🇺🇸🤭

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

For real 🤣

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods