[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Single worst piece of software ever invented
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.