Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

Beware…..

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

Mornin. * use accordingly

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.