Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

The Book. The Movie.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack