(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
thoughts?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.