Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed