[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
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Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*