[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
You Might Also Like
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants