Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

2023 was just a warmup

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

Got him!

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”