Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Cndnsd Mlk

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

the person at my job who can decide if im fired: “yeah so celebrities actually go to a secret starbucks underground in a series of tunnels to get their coffee”

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

Seas the day!!!!

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.