[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
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My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Unimpressed
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up