Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

every olympics i turn into this guy

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.