{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
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Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
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happy friday
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
this will hang in the louvre one day
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner