@Chimfxck_

*during sex*

Her: Call me names.

Me: *panicking* Lord Farquaad-

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@AimeeHelene1

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

@2tacosandadrink

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

@Kyle_Lippert

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

@mommajessiec

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

@BunAndLeggings

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

@Michael1979

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*