Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
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I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I hate everything
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.