Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Her: Call me names.
Me: *panicking* Lord Farquaad-
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WAP on, WAP off
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Rather than ever clean a window I just tell people they’re frosted.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
How not to sell a phone – Level 100
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
Me: I hate you
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*