[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
You Might Also Like
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now