[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
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Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
“HELP WITH CAT”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.