Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?