Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

The United Steaks of America

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit