Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

We decided to have money instead of children.

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.