Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.