Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir