Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.