Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.