[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
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Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
i could never be president. im overqualified.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.