Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
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I don’t know if anyone’s seen the renegade master, but apparently he’s back once again with the ill behaviour, which frankly, in this current climate, I find thoughtless at best.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.
Worst. Cruise. Ever. – Katie Holmes
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.