[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

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I don’t know if anyone’s seen the renegade master, but apparently he’s back once again with the ill behaviour, which frankly, in this current climate, I find thoughtless at best.


I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.


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Blood is thicker than water.
But maple syrup is thicker than blood.
So pancakes are more important than family.
I said it.


You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*


Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?



Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.