*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
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goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.