Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remember

only for emergencies

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?