Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.