Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.