{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
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Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.