humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too
Her: Pull my hair!!
*grabs her mustache*
You Might Also Like
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
Emergency training complete
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?