@Pork_Sword_

<During sex>

Her: Pull my hair!!

*grabs her mustache*

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@notacroc

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

@robfee

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

@IndecisiveJones

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

@dumbbeezie

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

@mrtruthandsoul

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

@WilliamAder

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

@c12h22o11balls

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.