My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
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next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.