<During sex>

Her: Pull my hair!!

*grabs her mustache*

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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen


Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.


I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.


We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends


Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?


A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.


5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.


In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button


Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.