@Pork_Sword_
@SeiYoung83 I may be small, but so is a grenade.
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@SeiYoung83 
@notacroc Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
@robfee Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
@IndecisiveJones I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
@dumbbeezie We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
@mrtruthandsoul Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
@WilliamAder A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
@c12h22o11balls In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
@fillthevacuum Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.