[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
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*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.