Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.