Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

Yoga Matt

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you