[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
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Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
me when the borders lift
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?