Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

This meeting could have been a cake

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..