Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

💻🤡

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.