Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

broke down and did it

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.