Kids wont go to sleep so I’m playing hide&seek. And now they’ll never find me, because they aren’t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
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oh you like history? name everything that’s happened
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
Me: No thanks *click*
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now