*during sex
Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

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Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.


[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop


ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in


ME: what



I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.


[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?


Overheard at the coffee shop: ‘i think that guy is listening to our conversation’


[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]


All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.


I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water


At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”