Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
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*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Follow me for more life hacks.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here