Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect