Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?