Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

Tell the colonel to bring it

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.