Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

Pass gas, not judgment.

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

Cucumbers Anonymous

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

DOOO EEEET

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.