Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)