Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

Just a bush.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.