Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

That’s not how days work.

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?