*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
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oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.