The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*