Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush