[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
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it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.