Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

So the ex texted me

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.