Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.