Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

How wrong was this guy?

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact