{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
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Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.