{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
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At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
Seems legit.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm