Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

thats my bad

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

And bowling should be called pinball

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.