{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
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me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Left at a local drug store…
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
You can’t rush stupid.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.