Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.