Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

#TopTip

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls