Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

There is no “we” in chocolate.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.