Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
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I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Investing in beetcoin
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
This is a true ally.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.