Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.