@Poutymcgee

[during sex]

If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.

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@DanMentos

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

@littlelady899

When someone says “Happy New Years” I wonder, how many years are they talking about?

@2browneyedboys

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

@thatUPSdude

Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.

@NewDadNotes

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

@GingerHotDish

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

@DosieDoe

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

@yonewt

I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.

@sonictyrant

Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?