You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
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Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.