Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.
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When someone says “Happy New Years” I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
[later at zoo]
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Let’s remove all the Warning Labels and thin out the herd.
God: you can breathe underwater!
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
Fish: just on the land or something?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.
Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*
Store Assistant: can i help you sir?
Me: how much for this disco poncho?