Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.