Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Don’t touch that.

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

British websites use biscuits.

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.