Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
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True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
The USS B port
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?