Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

rise and shine we got egg

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that